


Dress-Up Kisses

by fairyeyes



Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: Confessions, F/F, Insecurity, Shopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-04 00:28:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17888057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairyeyes/pseuds/fairyeyes
Summary: Based on the Fumika SSR card where she's shopping with Kanade. However, Fumika's anxieties are what's causing her distress. What happens if she just let go and trust a simple shopping trip?





	Dress-Up Kisses

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this was supposed to be a warmup one-shot for me (also I found an old outline - I figured I might as well just write it and post it) but it ended up becoming... this. In any case, I hope you like it! Thank you for reading~!

**Dress-Up Kisses**

When Fumika Sagisawa got the response from her young friend, Arisa Tachibana, that she wasn’t able to go shopping with her on Sunday, she could feel the anxiety climb up her throat. She knew it was a little weird for someone her age to hang out with someone as young as Arisa but having her around made her feel better. It made her feel more like a reliable adult and it made her feel as though Arisa could depend on her more. And because of that, Fumika felt she could graduate from her anxiety sooner rather than later.

But she didn’t have anyone to go out with now. She wanted to get a new dress for an audition in a few weeks and she really didn’t want to go alone. The dress she wanted would be in a department store that was known to be very expensive. There were rumors that if you were lucky enough, you could find other celebrities. As Fumika wasn’t that popular yet, slower than she would’ve liked to, she figured that she wouldn’t be someone others would seek out.  Instead, it would be more fun to seek them out. Or maybe even see her other coworkers with someone she could call her ‘friend’.

Fumika sighed as she laid the phone back down. She kept her phone on the charger on the off-chance she had to leave somewhere. She didn’t want to risk having her phone battery go down while trying to avoid people’s gazes. She was about to pick up her book that she was reading when she heard the familiar chirp of her phone. It was another text message but Fumika assumed it was Arisa apologizing but as she reached over for it again, it chirped once more. She nearly froze – did Arisa send her another message?

Once she opened up the appropriate apps, she saw the message from Arisa apologizing as she expected but another message from the lovely Hayami Kanade.  The young woman was only a couple years younger than Fumika but it was rather interesting that the 18-year-old would want to hang out with a 20-year-old Fumika. She bit her lip as she just remembered she just read a young Arisa apologizing and promising to go shopping with her next time. Maybe she shouldn’t be quick to judge…

“Hey! I heard you’re going to audition for the modeling campaign! Do you need help choosing a dress?”

It was a simple message and Fumika’s mind went into overdrive. She didn’t know that the message of her wanting to model for a new brand of lipstick had already gotten far. She had recently read a book on a lipstick murder and Fumika really imagined herself as the femme fatale in the book. She wanted to see if she could… attain that image she conjured up in her mind. However, she didn’t expect someone like Kanade to pick up on that. Did Arisa brag about it to someone?

Fumika could feel her hands shake and sweat form at her palms. Her anxiety went up to its maximum levels but it didn’t stop her fingers from responding as politely as possible – “Yes, I am.” That’s all she wrote. She sent the message and faced the phone upside down. If Kanade responded, she wouldn’t have to see it right away but before she could do it – she found herself unable to let it go – the younger woman responded just as quickly.

“We should go together! I know of a better store to go to! I heard that the company is very hard to please so I think I have an idea of what you want!”

How…did she know? Then again, it must be simple knowledge. It wasn’t hard to piece together, right? After all, Arisa was close to her as well and the two acted more as siblings than as friends or coworkers. Fumika had to exchange phone numbers when she met her formally – on Kanade’s insistence at that – and Fumika was never one to instigate conversations between the two anyway. It didn’t seem to bother Kanade though one bit.

Fumika didn’t know how to respond. She was afraid that this was all just an elaborate prank. She had read about these women who tend to befriend others like her and use her to mock her at how weak she was. That’s what her books and stories told her. That’s what her anxiety is worried about now. Did Fumika always act in such a way? Perhaps – she just always avoided others in order to enjoy her world of books. Kanade entered her life so effortlessly with Arisa linking them together. Fumika felt frustrated with herself a little bit – having to depend on a child to meet people was pretty pathetic. She felt tears rise up but she wasn’t sure if she was flustered, embarrassed, ashamed, or what. She just knew it was unpleasant and she just… wanted to ignore that message. It was a joke, right? It had to be.

Kanade invited others out all the time. She always noticed her with other coworkers and friends. They would agree so effortlessly and sometimes Kanade would try to include Fumika but she just didn’t know if it was sincere.

Fumika was just as confused about the sincerity of the message. She stared at the message longer than she should have. She then received another message right away before she could make a decision. Fumika went to the next message and braced herself. It was a joke. It had to be a joke. Arisa was a child who was young and was open enough to hang out with a pathetic adult like her and most likely, she was the butt of her jokes behind her back. Yes, of course, Fumika was a joke. She was a joke of an idol who took this up only to help open her heart more. It’s forced anyway, wasn’t it? A more appropriate job for her would be to be a librarian. What was she kidding? She was never going to get that modeling job. She would never get to be the femme fatale if only for an instant.

Tears already covered her cheeks and she was nearly blinded by her tears when she moved the screen down the screen to see what was said.

“If you want, we can go to the new bookstore that recently opened up! And maybe we can get some lunch, my treat. And you don’t have to worry about inviting anyone – it would be just the two of us anyway.”

Fumika cried. It was sincere after all. It wasn’t a secret that Fumika had trouble opening up to the other idols – even to the other people she’d catch in the in-studio library, Fumika was clearly older than them and she couldn’t find anything to talk to them about. It hurt her so much that she couldn’t just give a simple yes. People had to bribe her to come out of her shell, didn’t they? A struggle… Fumika didn’t know when it started or even how it began. She just wanted to be friends with people who understood her and she wanted to share with others the knowledge she absorbed from the books. But people always somehow avoided her or if they were interested, they were really good actors; although now that she thought about it, Fumika figured it could be her shutting them out for not playing along with her.

It took her a few moments, but eventually, she gathered herself and sent a simple reply. She immediately got more messages and Fumika needed to gather herself. Sunday was only a few days away and she had to mentally prepare herself for it.

“Yes, I would like that.”

**.x.**

The day finally arrived and Fumika wore clothes that she could easily slip in and out of. If she had the courage to go by herself, she would cover herself up more. However, it was a warm spring day and Fumika was more than nervous about hanging out with Kanade. It shouldn’t be a big deal though. It isn’t a big deal. It wouldn’t be a big deal if Fumika’s anxiety didn’t fly through the limitless sky once she realized how far away she is from her home. Her phone’s battery only dropped 5% - at 95%, Fumika already felt scared. She screwed up big time. She shouldn’t have accepted the invitation. She should’ve just sucked it up and gone herself but her insistence… Her insistence to go with someone is what put her in this situation. She has to face it head-on. After calming down eventually and messaging Kanade back and forth about where to meet and when Fumika felt a little bit better about the trip; they decided to meet at the station that happened to be close to them. Fumika was surprised how close Kanade was.

She looked up to see the different people around her. She never felt the anxiety when she was out in public. It was better this way – no one paid attention to her and what she did. She could be lost in her own world in her book and it could be more beneficial for her. The woman brought a satchel big enough to carry a book in case she had to read or wait a little longer than it usually did. However, she was somewhat surprised that Kanade was also there, on time.

The younger woman waved her hand and even ran to her. From what Fuimka could tell, Kanade was as stylish as she always was. She wore a dark blue tank top and wore a mesh top of it. It had little rhinestones on it and it seemed that the top went off her shoulder. She had a pocketbook with her but it was significantly smaller than Fumika’s satchel. Around her neck was a simple jewel. Meanwhile, Fumika wore a simple shirt and a pair of jeans she had. She didn’t think to wear anything else outside of that other than a necklace to complement it but other than… Fumika felt a bit plain compared to Kanade.

“Hey, hey!” She called out. “Sagisawa-san! Are you ready to go?”

She was not. “Yes, I am!” Her heart pounded more and more as she got closer to her. The perfume Kanade wore was flowery and sweet – something she didn’t expect from the other at all. Because of the muted colors she always saw Kanade wear, she figured she wanted something muskier but it wasn’t a bad smell. She was just surprised. She shook her head – she shouldn’t get too comfortable. This might be the singular time she’ll get to hang out with anyone else. After all, this was a joke, right? It had to be a joke. But… could her anxiety allow Fumika a chance to at least enjoy the joke on her end? They could mock her in the silence where she’s not privy to. Please allow her this…

However, Kanade Hayami was not aware of the trouble in Fumika’s mind. They talked as though they were longtime friends. Kanade even talked in further detail about the department store she had in mind and asked Fumika what she wanted to do. Fumika was hesitate and even tried to pass the question off by claiming that she just really wanted a new dress.

If Kanade really wanted the truth, she would have to hear it from Arisa or anyone else who bothered to pay attention to Fumika. However, it felt really dishonest. She didn’t want to lie to Kanade but she didn’t find a reason to tell the truth. It was just a simple lie, right? But if Kanade realized the truth, especially when Fumika picked something that may not be considered ‘her’, she was sure to have questions that Fumika may not want to deal with. And inevitably, Kanade would be upset probably. But if it was a joke, it wouldn’t matter. But it could also be more fuel for others to ignore her. It could be fuel for Fumika to ignore others.

“Sagisawa-san?”

Fumika shook her head. Her long bangs covered up the anxiety that she had in her heart but her tears betrayed her. She wanted to look away from Kanade’s face but what she initially thought Kanade twisting her expression to mock turned out to be concern.

“Ah, why are you crying? Come on, let’s go to the bathroom, okay?”

**.x.**

“I’m sorry,” Fumika uttered as she cleaned up her makeup. It wasn’t much but she still felt embarrassed about it. “I-I didn’t mean to…”

Most people would have been upset, or at least show it on their face how annoyed they were, but not Kanade Hayami. She was gentle and had a very soft smile on her face as the two walked out of the bathroom. The other women around them didn’t say anything but gave the couple their own space. Maybe Fumika cried about a breakup with a boyfriend or a rejection but it wasn’t until they were out of the bathroom that Fumika explained to her.

“I… I wanted to get a dress… for an audition…” Her voice was quiet and shaky. Unsure what the other would say, she looked away and felt bad. She didn’t have a reason to feel so but she did. The anxiety taunted her and told her that now that it’s out, especially in such an embarrassing way, Kanade would surely mock her now. She’d reveal the joke sooner rather than later and it’s deserved because Fumika lied about something so stupidly simple. “I… wanted to be a femme… fatal…” If it was possible for her voice to get quieter, Fumika found a way.

“Is that what all this fuss is about? Oh…Sugisawa-san, there’s no reason to cry.” Kanade smiled brightly. It was still just as gentle as ever. As patient as ever; patience that Fumika never allowed herself. “Don’t worry. We’ll find the perfect dress for that! Do you know what it’s for?”

Fumika didn’t want to say anymore. She already said too much.

“Oh, let’s go to the train! It’s about to leave!” Kanade grabbed her wrist gently and pulled her as they rushed towards the station they had to go to. She wanted to turn the other way, go back to her apartment, and just read until the whole incident is forgotten but Kanade didn’t allow that. No, she was determined to keep her private joke going and Fumika was foolish enough to go along with it. She really was willing to risk being mocked out of the agency for a fanciful feeling of friendship from a woman who seemed to flirt with everyone around her, including the producer.

However, they somehow made it on time even with the weight of Fumika’s negative thoughts she tried so hard to anchor them. She didn’t want to be carried away in a fake friendship but she didn’t show any form of resistance. Needless to say, Fumika was conflicted; but she was already on the train. Fumika considered during the trip whether or not she should reveal the actual reason and what she actually needed.

But, did Fumika really just wanted to model? She wanted to sing too… but she just wanted to act out and pretend to be a femme fatale with just herself for a day. She wanted photographic proof that she could look like someone else, with other people’s help, but then she realized how pathetic that was all. They probably would laugh at her desires to do so. Fumika shook her head; there was just no way that someone like her is picked anyway. There were much prettier women and girls around; some of whom who worked harder than her – who was luckier than her. Who deserved more than her. That was what she decided.

But she was already out there, in the subway car, and on her way now. There was no turning back. If Fumika really, truly meant to model, then it shouldn’t be that scary. And yet it is. With Kanade’s sights on her, there wasn’t a way for her to avoid it now. She had to tell her the truth after all. She gazed at her phone and opened up her newsfeed account.

At least while they traveled, she could try to ease her anxieties somewhat on the trip. It was as silent as it usually would with the exception of the train’s loud noises and the announcements. She used that account to check out news about book reviews from her favorite reviewers or authors that she wanted to keep up with. She couldn’t help but smile at certain pictures of the authors’ pets and their daily lives. It was almost like they were friends! Except Fumika was more than aware of the voyeuristic attitude she had with being a fan and following them online.

What she didn’t notice, however, was how Kanade noticed how much she lit up. She didn’t realize when Kanade blushed a little bit when she realized how much she stared at the older woman. There were a lot of things Fumika didn’t realize – if she just paid attention…

**.x.**

Once they arrived, Fumika avoided Kanade’s gaze as much as she could. She didn’t want to see the questioning looks Kanade gave her. The looks that wanted more than anything to pry into her anxiety-riddled mind and Fumika wanted to prevent that. The couple picked a simple bistro that was on the way to the department store once they got out of the subway finally. While Fumika would’ve just eaten inside the department store anyway, Kanade explained that it’d be easier to talk and to eat. And it wouldn’t be as expensive. Fumika just accepted it – Kanade was the one leading the way instead of the other way around. It didn’t matter to Fumika though; she wouldn’t fight her. As long as it got her home soon, the better it would be. Fumika wanted to leave a mental note to cancel her plans to audition after all…

“So what audition is this for? What’s the theme?” Kanade asked gently. The two had ordered some simple lunches that weren’t that expensive but sounded utterly delicious. However, it seemed that Kanade didn’t seem to have heard her before on why she wanted the dress. She might as well come out with it. She was going to cancel the plans anyway. She was foolish to think someone like her could ever model for that stupid lipstick.

“I-I…Ah, don’t worry about it,” Fumika sighed.

“I’m really curious! Please tell me!”

She resigned. This young woman was going to keep pestering her until she’d say something. “We-well, it’s for a lipstick… I wanted to try to get a femme fatale image…” Fumika forced a laugh as she closed her eyes. Tears threatened to come out again but she didn’t want to cry anymore. She’ll wait until she’s home. “Silly, isn’t it? Someone like me would look… rather silly like that…” She couldn’t help but whisper as she trailed off. She hoped that Kanade didn’t pick up on it.

“Oh! How interesting! I think you could fit the image really well! We can find a good dress and make sure you get it! I want to see Sagisawa-san as a femme fatale!” She gave her a flirty smile and Fumika instantly regretted it. Her heart throbbed and she looked down at her half-finished food. She wasn’t supposed to say that! She was supposed to ask her why she would think such a thing! She was supposed to ask why she should go for another image instead! She wasn’t supposed to agree with her!

Fumika looked at herself up again. “Ah, actually, I think I changed my mind. I just realized that I don’t really have the funds for it… I thought I did… but it looks like I only had enough for this lunch and subway fare…” Another lie. She just wanted to go home and forget about everything. It was a mistake to try. Her anxiety promised it would go away if she did it, but now Fumika realized that there’s just no way to truly escape it. She’s not an idol – she’s a farce and only someone who only lied to themselves that she needed to become one to become more open. Ah, she was such a fool.

“It’s no problem. I brought extra money just in case. It’ll be my treat after all! I told you it would be!” Kanade smiled brightly.

Fumika was now trapped.

“Plus, we came all the way over here! It’d be a waste if we went home now!” She reached out and grabbed Fumika’s hand. She gave it a comforting squeeze. Maybe Kanade didn’t even realize how much power she had. Fumika felt ashamed of herself. She hated that she had to do this to herself and deny herself the only friend other than Arisa. When she was around Arisa, it was much easier to be confident but around Kanade, it was impossible. The young woman saw through her, seemingly, and insisted on being there.

And Fumika was surprised with her own mouth.

“Why are you being so kind to me, Hayami-san? I’m… just a…useless girl.”

“Why would you say that? And please, call me Kanade.” The woman’s smile became wider. “I’ve… wanted to talk to you for some time actually.” It was Kanade’s turn to turn away and smiling. It was now that Fumika realized she’s blushing. However, she remained silent as Kanade continued on. “You’re anything but useless… I’ve admired you from afar for quite some time. I… always thought it was amazing that even though you’re hard to talk to… you’re still trying to put yourself out there.

“You’re always working really hard… and that admiration… turned into something more…”

Fumika blinked. How could she have noticed her when Fumika did her best to avoid people? She always kept to herself and forced herself quite frequently to participate in group songs and other auditions to at least keep herself busy and a reason to get a steady paycheck. Her heart beat against her chest as she started to piece the rest of it together. A confession? Her?

“But—“

“I’m not… expecting an answer right away,” Kanade continued. “I understand this is a shock but I really want you to go to that audition. I think you’d be really beautiful to look like a femme fatale.”

As she was still soaking it in, Fumika nodded slowly and realized she was blushing too. She and Kanade enjoyed the rest of their lunch in somewhat uncomfortable silence. Fumika… felt the same way towards Kanade although with everything in her mind since that morning; it was hard to consider what her real feelings were and what just anxiety was.  She hated her mind and she hoped that she could communicate her feelings better. She didn’t expect a confession, much less from Kanade herself. The other may have been only a couple of years younger but she was already extremely popular around the agency. She was always getting offers for modeling and her group; it seemed that her popularity was skyrocketing to someone like Fumika – a person who struggles just to admit that she wanted to audition for a lipstick that may not even sell.

Kanade never expressed to anyone that she knew of, on why she wanted to become an idol but it seemed so effortless. It seemed so seamless that Kanade would reach to the top very quickly but Fumika didn’t even know what a top idol looked like. To her, everyone but her was a shining example, even including Arisa for as young as she was.

The two chatted or tried to chat, about things and gossips around the agency: some girls going out with certain male idols or even each other although it quickly became awkward. Kanade would switch to talking about books and which books would be good for Kanade to get into. Fumika lighted up at the subject and Kanade knew that. She knew that she knew that but Fumika couldn’t stop her excitement. She didn’t know when they arrived at the department store and tried on outfits.

Some outfits looked better and it was then Fumika realized how good blue looked on her as well. Kanade pulled off the dark version of them so well but Fumika was able to pull off the lighter tones with just as much ease. She glowed at the idea of maybe her auditioning after all. Maybe this wasn’t a cruel joke. The confession had to be real. When Fumika gave Kanade her hand, there was electricity that couldn’t be denied any longer. She didn’t hurt when she thought about her and Kanade in the future together as much as she did when she thought about going alone. She couldn’t give Kanade an appropriate answer then – for the meantime, they could be girlfriends shopping even if they weren’t officially together.

That was okay, right? Would that satisfy her until Fumika could find it in her heart? Now the prospects of the audition seemed silly. Fumika really worked up over nothing, didn’t she? It was her anxiety who fooled her the whole time. Kanade didn’t have any ill will. Her smile was more genuine. Her touches were so soft. And when Fumika found the dress she wanted, she admitted to Kanade that she lied about that as well. She wanted to pay for it on her own since that was the whole purpose. She apologized to Kanade and the girl simply smiled and laughed; almost relieved.

Fumika couldn’t help but notice a few tears dropping Kanade’s own cheeks. Maybe the younger woman had her own anxieties that Fumika was just too selfish to notice before. The girls made their way to the bookstore but Fumika… didn’t have any more interest in that anymore.

She wanted to spend more time with Kanade. And they did.

Hours flew by as they went store to store, just window shopping together, and they frolicked together. Throughout their time together, the girls became happier and a lot more comfortable together. The awkward beginning of the trip didn’t seem to faze them. It didn’t remind Fumika of her troubles that probably still waited for her at home. But being with Kanade, Fumika could smile a bit brighter. She could look up higher. She could have more hope. Maybe the feelings she had in the heart was the same as Kanade’s feelings for her; she had to force it out because of Kanade’s level was much higher than Fumika’s.

But Kanade didn’t seem to care about that. As a matter of fact, she wanted to help Fumika. Maybe later down the road, Fumika would feel that she doesn’t deserve it. Maybe later, she would feel that Kanade did it out of pity or for her image. But for now… just for now, Fumika allowed herself to give her a little trust and a little bit of love return.

After they left the subway station, Kanade gathered her shopping bags and wanted to say something but Fumika, with her own satchel and own shopping bags, grabbed Kanade’s arms. The same way Kanade did to her only hours earlier… but Fumika leaned forward and kissed Kanade on the lips. It took everything she had to do such an act.

She was sure Kanade would want to reject her now. But she knew in her heart, the truest of hearts where anxiety couldn’t reach, that it wasn’t true. She would never reject her. Kanade already decided to give and trust Fumika with her heart. She should do the same… she felt the same way… so she should give it to her. That’s what Fumika decided.

If Kanade decided sometime down the road to eventually reject her, Fumika would at least know that she had the power to love someone beyond herself. The future was never set in stone but Fumika… had to try. She just had to try.

Once she pulled up, the two women tried to catch their breaths. Fumika turned to run away but Kanade grabbed her before she could fully run away.

“Wait!” Kanade said, breathlessly. “Please don’t go!”

“T-that’s my answer, Kanade… Please. I need some time.”

Then Kanade let her go.

**.x.**

Fumika didn’t contact Kanade until after the results of the audition came in. She had been accepted as the new model for To-MOMO Cat Lipstick as the femme fatale she always wanted to be. When she spoke to the producer about it, he was extremely proud of her. He said that particular company had been hard to get with anyone from the agency – Fumika was the first one to break through and create that bridge finally. For that, he was super proud of her and immediately signed her up for some more auditions he believed she would be a great fit for. Fumika was thankful but overwhelmed… but she didn’t tell him to stop. No, not with her career finally breaking through, Fumika had to trust the producer.

The bit of time she needed was the right amount, it seemed. The audition had been especially brutal with models trying to trip each other up but because no one expected the dark horse that was Fumika Sagisawa to come in and surprise everyone. She even and especially surprised herself. However, the great risk gave her a great reward – she had to take time to reassess herself.

Fumika had to distance herself from Arisa for some time. The younger idol was busy enough with school but she even had to explain to the young girl that she should be more wary of strangers. Even though Fumika was kind and gentle, often gave her advice about life and recommendations for books, she should make her own friends and enjoy her own youth instead of depending on Fumika so much.

Although, it was more of… Fumika telling herself not to depend on Arisa so much. It was hard because it was so comfortable to be that mentor but it was for the best. The young girl seemed to be okay with it and left to her own devices. Fumika mostly focused on herself and tried to be more open about things and the last thing she needed to do was to give Kanade Hayami an answer.

She sent her a message to meet her at the station where they met those weeks ago. The other readily accepted it and promised to meet her there early. Fumika was ready.

**.x.**

When she arrived, as expected, she saw Kanade standing there, looking at her phone. Fumika smiled. Her outfit was better than it was last time – appropriate for a date and of course, Kanade looked beautiful.

Eventually, the woman walked up to her and greeted her with a small kiss on the cheek. The time it took relaxed Fumika’s nerves by a lot. And with her modeling career about to take off, she wanted to let Kanade know exactly how she felt.

“Sagisawa-sa—“

“Please, call me Fumika.” She slipped her hand into Kanade’s and she only turned redder. She was surprised at the change in attitude with Fumika. “And… my answer… we should date.”

Kanade smiled brighter and the two went on a date that didn’t seem to end until well into the night. They stayed together and tried their best to avoid places where they could get caught. It would’ve been hard for them as it were to be out to the public but for now, this was easier. Maybe when Fumika was more comfortable, the two would be safe and their careers would be safe… but until then. They would enjoy their shopping trips with all the secret kisses in between.


End file.
